To Know Him is to Love Him

I was in for a bumpy ride as the year 2004 opened its doors, for this was a year of drastic change in my life. As a young child growing up in a separated home, I knew God had a plan and purpose for my life, a ministry and a deeper calling, but what that plan was I had no idea and still do not know completely. I was an early graduate of 2004 and was blessed with the opportunity to visit Jackson College of Ministries. There God touched me in a way I have never felt before; speaking into me words of strength in a voice so powerful it shook my being. I thought this is where I need to be, but in August of that same year as I was preparing to leave for Mississippi, my pastor felt led to ask me if I would be interested in being apart of Apostolic Youth Corps, AYC, and help a young home missions church in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I excitedly agreed and prepared for Salt Lake City were I would be catapulted into a 10 hour daily Home Missions 101 crash course. There I would be assisting in the outreach portion of General Conference and from there I would be deployed to Pittsburgh for that life changing experience not even my pastor could have ever truly prepared me for.

Before leaving my pastors wife pulled me aside and instructed me in wisdom, warning me to be wary of simple things that would contradict my upbringing, giving me her contact information and blessing me with her prayers I arrived on the east coast ready to win the world. Loneliness soon set in a few weeks after my arrival and that was where my true challenge began. So many thoughts began to flood through my mind; it was as if I became the victim on the devils playing field. I was heavily involved in everything from painting, to outreach, secretarial work, children’s church, drama, you name it, I was in shoulder deep; but I was sinking. After many messages and failed attempts to reach my pastors wife, I sunk deeper into the grasps of loneliness. All I could hear were her words, " Call me if you need me, I will be there and will be praying for you. I want to hear from you and please, please call." Precious words that never came true were the thoughts the devil filled my mind with day and night.

Disappointment ate at me, and it seemed as if no one was there, no friends, no family and no covering of ministry. My convictions were tested and my world spun out of control, not only was my spiritual world rocked, but my health began to suffer as Lupus began to claim my body. I tried to keep the smile and hold on to what I knew was right, but days turned into gloomy nights. I would cling to my Bible and lie on the floor of my room in pain and cry as my roommate watched endless hours of television. But in the puddle of my tears laid a strength I never knew existed. I started to feel less and less sorry for myself and began to embrace the physical loneliness and let God carry me to a place in Him that had once been hidden. Psalm 91 speaks of a secret place, a place beyond the ordinary, a place of deep meditation and a relationship with the Almighty, far more precious than this world has ever felt. My Bible, a gift from my pastor’s wife, became my strength, and that secret place with God became my comfort. Each night without my friends, family or ministry I would find Him. He became my everything! I found life in Him (Proverbs 21:21), He was my strong tower (Proverbs 18:10) and as I set my affections on Him and things above (Colossians 3) I found I was complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).

It was not until I returned home and my pastor’s wife called me to her home that I realized this all was meant for a monument in my life. She embraced me and told me she had been praying for me, received every letter and every phone call, and was so proud of me. It hit me then; she had taught me the most important lesson in a Christian’s life. The references in Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8 became so precious and so real to me in that moment, He never left me nor forsook me. He was closer than a brother as promised in Proverbs 18:24. I had to come to a place where I had to find Him on my own, not just because mommy and daddy loved him, not because my pastor knew Him, but because my existence and future relied on knowing Him for myself. James 2:19 confirmed. It is much like the ten virgins, five wise and five foolish spoken of in Matthew 25. The wise knew the bride groom, talked with him, felt his love, experienced his faithfulness, but the foolish only knew of him. They never had the opportunity to lavish in his fullness, ridding them of the eagerness and excitement the others felt. We can not be as the foolish; we have to be ready, excited and continually seeking for His coming. He seeks a spotless and whole bride, rid of bitterness and confusion. Many nights I have let my mind drift back to those amazing evenings, just me and Jesus, the realness of His love and the words of promise. He strengthened me, and in the doctors amazement He healed me completely. I plead with you; get to know him for yourself, Trust Him. I can not express in words how important it is to find Him for you, experience all the knowing Him can bring.